(no subject)

Fear controls me more than I admit to myself

In my daydreams I am fearless, I’m ready and I’m strong. Why am I not able to do the things I want to do? Experience the things I want to experience? They’re so simple, most of them are so, so simple.

Yet I skip my way down a hall filled with pictures from my mind, and I see all the signs, up the stairs and to the right.

The first step is a mirror and I see the worry under my eyes, reflecting the consequences in the back of my brain as they did not belong in my fantasies.

I don’t know why I can’t move, reality is up there and the worst case scenario is grabbing my ankles, holding my feet down.

The first step is distorted, it’s too far away, now it’s harsh, it’s too high. I cry and it doesn’t change, it does not empathise over the weak.

It’s just a step and for some reason I can’t see what it really looks like. The ones above it seem softer, easier and consistent. Fading from it’s colour.

What of I slip and what if I fall, holding my weight and crushing the banister. I feel lonely down here and there are no cheers when you don’t ever try, and become a slave to fear.

There are many stairs and even more rooms, I’ll run around outside till heart feels it’s doom. Heaving I’ll try to lift my leg up one more time and crash on the stairs, bloody nose and dropped eyes.

Why do I torture myself like this? Why do I drink the poison and beg god for mercy?
Why can’t my inner self connect with the way I’m presented? Do I have to know who I am before I can climb these damn stairs? Until I can finally feel how the door handle feels and let myself fall into a room of reality I’ve decided for myself?

What does this mean and what the fuck am I saying.

I can’t make sense to myself

(no subject)

i’m gnna ease myself i to writing again, like sometimes I’ll write something small bc I think it’s decent but I haven’t properly written anything in ages since I had writers block for a while and lost my fire bc of that and I didn’t wanna upset myself by trying to write and not being able to so I gave myself a break. But getting back into discovering new artists again and listening to different kinds of music is starting to get me inspired like I used to be & I can’t wait to find myself through it like I used to

(no subject)

repressing emotions is so weird sometimes. It's gonna force it's way back eventually and just waiting for it in the back of my head sometimes, knowing that this 'ok' feeling is going to be crushed soon enough.. I don't know how to describe it actually. Now I've figured out that it doesn't come back less, it comes back exactly how it was last time, in the same shape now in the sun. I need to learn to feel what I have to feel, know why I'm feeling it and work through that. I'm falling back on skills but I feel like my head's a fuckin seesaw or however u spell it lmao. Something settles and cools down, then something old or new comes around with the same fire, though it all just feels like black smoke now. No more flames, just glowing red coal headache idk it's L8
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

(no subject)

I finally wrote a song, lyrics and tune, for the first time in ages. I usually compose a tune at college but can't think of good enough lyrics to fit it or fit with the vibe, or what I mostly do is write lyrics, words, but can't sort them out properly to fit into a song. Tonight I wrote and the chords didn't exactly flow but I got it. I recorded a shitty demo that didnt record all the way bc I'm shit with garageband. I'm just glad I'm possibly breaking out of this rut.
It's not a happy song, it's not my best words or anything but I actually did something I feel content with for the first time in a long time, I got my thoughts out, I used music as an expression rather than wanting to make something brilliant and that everyone would wanna listen to. I did it for me and I'm getting my fire back I think. Another step to writing something better, another step to writing something happy, beautiful.

(no subject)

I've become rlly quiet i think these couple years or whatever, idk if it's bc of my mental health deteriorating or idk idk im not even gonna try to guess. I think my friends are bored of me now though. I wish i could be who i want to be but idk what tjat is.


Writers block will b the death of me i swear

nice things i miss

I don't wanna b too bitter before i fall asleep so here's this🏄🏼

- my cousin sharing a cigarette with me in the park 5 years ago because i was sad and she understood what most family members didn't.

- the small friend group on twitter in 2013 that was just 5 of us who liked sum 41 etc.

- talking to her for hours, and her sending me pictures of pages from a book so we could talk about it together.

- Smoking weed by the river with him and laughing for 10 minutes over the way I said something.

- That night being high on that bridge, watching the cars pass under us, "I haven't felt this good in ages."

- Being 14, drunk and stoned giggling on the floor at the carpet pattern. Hours after my first kiss. (I was wearing ripped tights and a skirt in fucking October)

- Composing a song at college with synths and a shit beat but I was finally proud of a tune I made lol

- Chilling in his attic at his old house, I always felt so calm there.

- Drinking whiskey and coke before doing open mic at this pub in manchester with him
(I forgot to eat that night and it ended up in me throwing up drunk for the first time, also throwing up in the toilet on the bus home, which ended in the worst hangover of my life. Good night tho)

-New years eve 2016/new years 2017. First song of the year; primadonna💖

-Camping! Fuck knows when this was but, all the time's i've been camping. Being fucked and swinging on that makeshift swing on the tree.

- Going for walks on my own, before I got too nervous in case there were people around. Lol.

- Watching cartoon network all night as a kid, staying up until like midnight just to watch the powerpuff girls.

- Having green hair
(Just being able to make a decision on what colour hair I wanted. I'm still deciding rn what i want again)

- Discovering green day for the first time
(My life cHANGED)

- Getting excited abt gettin kerrang magazine every week, bless.

- Watching kerrang and tweeting lyrics with mutuals bc we were emo dorks who lived for blink-182

- Watching comedy sketches on youtube when they were the popular thing (for hoooourrrsss)

- liverpool

- alton towers theme park, every time i've ever been, luvvv.

Cant think of more atm but this cheered me up a little
  • Current Mood
    nostalgic nostalgic